Maybe
it was the rail-thin Barbie dolls we were holding that inspired the
conversation. It's been so long now, that I really can't remember. But I
vividly recall my friend Claudia's words to me one day, as she slowly looked me
up and down.
"How
much do you weigh?" she asked.
"Forty-five
pounds," I replied, innocently.
"Oh,"
she said smugly, "I only weigh forty." I remember lowering my eyes - perhaps in
shame - and noticing for the first time that my calves were heavier than
Claudia's. Not only that, but my thighs were like tree trunks, while hers were
more like twigs. My arms - they were enormous! Why hadn't I noticed this
before? I was a big, fat, monstrous blob. And Claudia? She was a tiny little
wisp of a thing, petite as can be. Perfect, in fact. And there it began. For
the next thirty years I would compare and contrast my body to every other
female form in sight. Unfortunately, I would always come up short.
It
didn't help, of course, that soon after my "epiphany" with Claudia, Twiggy came
on the scene. It was hip to be hipless, or so we were told. And as much as my
friends and I ridiculed her for being too thin, we secretly wished we could be
that....malnourished - or at least look like we were.
By
the time I was eleven-years-old, I had "ballooned" up to 99 pounds. Three
months on Weight Watchers brought me down to a slim 88, but one month in Europe
and the pounds returned. My weight became my obsession. I was continually
gaining and losing weight, and continually berating myself for never being thin
enough.
It
must have been 9th grade when I first heard about weight loss methods that
didn't involve diet and exercise. My friend Terry had just discovered laxatives
and was raving about the results. I tried them once or twice but ultimately
decided that diarrhea wasn't my forte'.
My
friend Debbie, on the other hand, had another idea. She simply stopped eating.
At first she looked great. Gone were the chubby cheeks and ample thighs. But
soon her cheeks became hollow, and her arms looked like sticks. One day she
didn't show up for school. In fact, she didn't show up for months. People began
whispering that her periods had stopped and she had some strange disease called
"anorexia nervosa." It was the early 1970s and this was the first time any of
us had heard of it. But really, it didn't sound that bad. No periods? So what?
At least Debbie was thin - THIN - like the models in the magazines. And she got
to miss school, to boot!
And
so our obsession with dieting continued - as did our frustration with never
being able to successfully keep off the few pounds we managed to lose. But the
years passed, and eventually we all grew into healthy, mature women who
accepted our ample curves and, in fact, loved them. The fashion and film
industries also changed, and women of size became regularly featured in
magazines, television, and movies. Society as a whole finally understood that
thin is NOT in, and flesh is actually sexy!
Oh
- wait, I'm sorry, I must have drifted off into some sort of chocolate-induced
psychotic fantasy! Models and movie stars are skinnier than ever. In the
January issue of Allure magazine, model turned actress Elizabeth Hurley was
quoted as saying, "I've always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I'd
kill myself if I was that fat. I went to see her clothes in the exhibition, and
I wanted to take a tape measure and measure what her hips were. She was very
big."
What's
sad is that there literally ARE women and girls who are killing themselves
because of a perceived weight problem. And for every woman who actually commits
suicide (or simply starves herself to death), there are thousands more who
fantasize about doing it. Weight is an issue that dominates women's lives. It
keeps them from living their dreams. How many creative women are hiding away in
their homes, ashamed to make their mark upon the world for fear they'll be
laughed at or ridiculed simply because they don't conform to society's
unrealistic standards? How many women are waiting to make their move until they
can "just get that weight off"? How many women wait their whole lives?
The
good news is that in spite of the fact that Hollywood continues to send the
"thin is in" message, we as women don't have to accept it. We can love our
bodies as they are and teach our daughters to love theirs. We can stop waiting
for society to tell us we're acceptable, and simply tell ourselves. Those of us
in positions of power can start putting "women of weight" on television and in
magazines. Perhaps this is starting to happen. While flipping through the
channels the other day I happened to come upon the network "Oxygen." Low and
behold, there were curvaceous women hosting the shows! These were not women who
were waiting until they were thin before they dared show their faces - and
figures - on national television. These were women who were proud to be
shapely, and rightly they should be! Hopefully, this signals the beginning of a
new trend.
Last
week, I dreamt I was in a room with a woman I recognized from high-school. She
was yelling at me, "You're ugly, you're fat! You're ugly, you're fat!" But
suddenly another woman appeared before me. She looked into my eyes and said
very softly, "You're beautiful."
"What?"
I said, "I can barely hear you."
"You're
beautiful," she repeated. I awoke with her soothing words still drifting
through my mind. Instantly, I understood the message of the dream. After years
and years of criticizing myself, the disapproving voice within me is indeed
strong. But the loving, accepting voice is there too. Right now, I can barely
hear her. I have faith, however, that as I continue to love and accept myself,
the voice of approval will grow stronger and stronger, and the other voice will
simply fade away........
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